Fanfictions are Evil!
by Donna of the Grey
Summary: Artemis and Butler discover the pervertedness of fanfictions made by their evil and twisted fans' minds! How will they react? For one, they won't be happy.
1. The Beginning

**Hello! I had been going through fanfictions, and I wondered how the characters would react when they read them, so this came to life! If your fanfiction appears here, I'm not making fun of it, I found it worthy enough to be here (if you consider this worthy)! Some of these I liked, except for the Butler and Artemis ones. Butler is like Fifty-five and Artemis is fourteen. Talk about child molestation . . . (shiver)**

Artemis typed into his laptop, scanning the screen rapidly. Butler had noticed the boy, looking over the screen as if his life depended on it. "Artemis what are you doing?" he asked, raising one eyebrow in a questionable manner. "Well, Holly told me of these people who wrote 'fanfictions' about us, and she said they were really amusing, so I decided to check on what she was talking about."

Butler leaned in and stared at the screen, on the top, it said, and there were a couple of categories shown in the screen. "What are we under?" the body guard frowned as he looked at the computer. "Holly said it was books." Butler shook his head, dreading the possible outcomes of this.

Artemis clicked on the word 'Books' and suddenly a long list of books appeared. Of course, the boy didn't have to search long for his name, because it was straight away in the A's section. Smirking as he clicked in his name, he was transported to another section. The actual fanfiction. Artemis didn't really read the summaries or pay attention to the rating, which was a bad idea.

"_He groaned slightly as the older man pushed his lips against his . . . _" the fanfiction read. Artemis stared at it disgusted, and Butler choked. "What is wrong with these people?" the young boy asked, looking horrified. "This is really sick. Now I have become a child molester . . . and a homosexual." Butler muttered, looking displeased, and completely grossed out.

"All of them can't be bad can they?" Artemis wondered aloud, as he got out of the horrifying story and proceeded to go into another, once again, not reading the summary.

"_Yes, our genius hero was dancing. Of course, it looked as though he was having sex with an invisible person . . . _" This fiction read. Artemis stared at it, horrified yet again, and Butler couldn't help but laugh. "I would not dance in _that_ sort of way!" Artemis snapped, glaring at the computer screen profusely. "And Butler, it's _not_ funny!"

Butler wiped a tear of laughter of his eye, before apologizing, "I'm sorry, Artemis, it's just that . . "

Artemis scanned some of the fanfictions. "Who is this Alex Rider person? And why am I a homosexual in most of these _things_?" Artemis asked, irritated. "I don't know, maybe girls like gay guys?" Butler suggested, not making Artemis feel any better. "This one has your name in the summary. Want to know what it's about?" the genius asked the larger man. "Sure why not? What can be worse than already being pictured as a rapist or a homosexual?" Apparently, much worse. "Juliet? My own sister? And myself? That's just sick!" The body guard looked ready to vomit, as his face turned green. Artemis looked disgusted too so he went back.

"_Artemis pushed Juliet against the wall, before forcing his lips onto hers . . . _" Artemis sighed as he read this too. People were just sick. Butler, however, was eyeing him suspiciously. "What's wrong?" asked Artemis when he noticed the odd stares from him. "Where did they get that idea, Artemis?" Butler asked dryly. "I _didn't_ do anything of the sort! This is all made up! Tell me, did I ever make out with _you_?" Artemis snapped. Butler stared at him for a second, "Good Point."

Artemis scanned the rest of the fanfictions, bored at some times, disgusted at others, and then he was wondering who some of the girls written in the summaries were. Victoria Evalen? Sasha Bridgewater? Many possible theories ran through his head, but he continued seeing the rest of the written works.

"_He trailed his lips downward, before passing his tongue over_ . . "

"WOAH! YOU ARE _WAY _TOO _YOUNG_ TOO READ THIS!" Butler exclaimed horrified, as he covered Artemis' eyes. "What? What is it?" the boy asked, protesting in curiousity, though Butler got out of the sick story, before he let the boy go.

"A.Fo?" asked Artemis, as he read another one. "Why am I acting like a ganster, and dancing in front of the mirror wearing Spider-Man underwear?" Butler stiffled his laughter, tears leaking out of his eyes. "Ho?" Artemis continued, confused. "What's that mean?" Butler shook his head, wondering how Artemis was so clueless. "What's funny Butler? Do you know what that word means?"

"It's slang for prostitute Artemis," Butler finally answered, after regaining his breath. "So I called some ugly creature a prostitute and hugged it?" Artemis asked, still confused. "Well . . . "

Holly suddenly stepped into the room, walking up the teenager boy. "You found these amusing?" he barked, surprised at the elf. "In a way, yes. I didn't expect you to be gay, Mud Boy."

"I'm not homosexual!" Artemis exclaimed.

"Why are you yelling?" Juliet came into the room. "She said I'm--" Artemis started before Juliet interrupted. "Oh, you're reading that junk?"

"Holly said it amusing, which it is apparantly NOT." Artemis muttered back, annoyed.

"I know. There was one where you were having sex with me, like a bunch of times," Juliet responded, uninterestedly. "What?" Artemis coughed, his eyes wide, and Butler eyed him again. "Geez, stop being such a slut," Holly joked, however Juliet did not see it this way. "WHAT?" she shrieked, tackling the elf to the ground.

"I'M NOT A SLUT!" Juliet screamed loudly. "I was joking! OWCH!" Holly screamed back, trying to pry the blonde wrestler off. Artemis narrowed his eyes in annoyance as he stared down at the two fighting girls. "I suppose someone has thought of this too."

There was a slight pause, before Butler stated, "They did."


	2. Revenge: Madame Lemone of Yaoi

**Hmm. I noticed that some people asked for an update, even though this was supposed to be a one-shot. But I guess I should. I do not own Artemis Fowl (though I wish I did). The character Lamé Harrison was completely made up, and so was her username, Madame Lemone of Yaoi. If there is such a person with this username: I do not mean you. I just came up with the name. There is also no story called Like A Triangle. Made up name. Though the plot might exist somewhere in internet? Enjoy. **♪

Revenge One: M**a**_d_a**_m_**e **L**e**m**_o**n**_e of **Y**_a_o**_i_**

Artemis Fowl was very displeased. Many would wonder, "Why are you so full of anger?" And the boy, of course, had many answers. For instance, the sick versions of his character displayed all over the World Wide Web, or his untrue and disgusting intimate relationships with Captain Holly Short; and Butler for that matter. Mostly everything in and out of that matter made him angry.

How could he be written about in such a way? Had he not always been poised and rational? How could others come up with completely out of character ideas for any of them?

So Butler was completely protective of him. That didn't mean he was in love with Artemis.

So Juliet had many boyfriends in the past. That didn't make her a tramp.

So Holly was an elf . . . well, he had nothing to say for that. Except he didn't cross the species line. Also considering that even though in elf years, she was about eighty, in human, she was over a hundred. Quite the alarming case of a pedophile relationship. Artemis had to fix it. There was no way he'd ever . . . . he shivered at the thought.

In his grumpy mood, he decided to get revenge, making a list of all of those who had gotten on his bad side. Currently sitting in the room before him, Holly, Butler, and Juliet wondered why they were there. "Okayyyy, um, Arty? Why are we here?" Juliet asked after a long moment of silence, twirling a strand of hair on one finger. Artemis only gave her a hard look.

"Very well then, I suppose I should inform you of why you are all here." Artemis answered, straightening his tie, "Do you all recollect that time we ran into those . . . unmentionable writings on the World Wide Web?" The rest nodded and murmured in agreement. The teen continued, "I then decided that we should find the identity of these . . . people and set them straight."

"Yeah!" Juliet shouted, "I'm not in a lesbian relationship with Holly, I mean, she's like . . . ninety!"

Holly shot her a pissed off look. "Look, girlie, don't push it." And with a warning growl, Juliet shut her glossy lips.

"Alright. The first victim, I mean, visit is a user know as Madame Lemone of Yaoi." Artemis answered, reading right off a paper in his hands. "Ahh, the infamous writer of the well known Artemis-Juliet-Butler triangle," Holly smirked. "I expected something better."

"What's yaoi?" Butler asked, not quiet knowledgeable in Japanese. Artemis coughed.

"It means guy on guy action!" Juliet laughed. "Hot and Steamy!"

This only earned another hard look from Artemis.

**A** w_**h**o_le _j_**e_t fl_**_i_**g**t_h_ **a**_w_a**_y_**.

Artemis paused in front of the door. "Ratty looking place isn't it?" He looked distastefully at the house. "You'd think the person who wrote about me must at least be respectable." He pressed a pianist finger against the door bell, and swiftly wiped it on his tissue. A loud ring erupted.

Suddenly, a pleasantly plump girl appeared on the door. Her hair was a shock of wild messy blonde hair and her eyes were sky blue. She wore a cheeky smile on her face and soon it disappeared by a look of utter amazement. "OHMIGAWD!" She shrieked, her hands trembling before her. "You're . . . you're—!"

Artemis gave her a look of hate. She, however, continued babbling. "OH GAWSH! ARTEMIS FOWL! YOU'RE AT MY HOUSE! HOW COULD—!" Artemis placed his hand up, "Alright, calm down."

The girl became quiet. "So, then, I presume you are Madame Lemone of Yaoi?" Artemis questioned. She nodded vigorously. "Yeah, but my name is really Lamé Harrison and I love y—" Artemis raised his hand again in a 'Stop' motion. "Alright, then, Miss . . Lamé. I believe you wrote this, erm, piece of work?" Artemis held up a paper with the title of the wretched fanfiction. "Yeah, I did! A whopping two hundred and ten reviews in only four chapters!" Lamé cheered, "I'm so proud of myself!"

"Yes, well, I really wanted to give you my personal view on your work. _Like a Triangle_, I presume?" Artemis asked, reading the title distastefully off the sheet of paper. "Yeah, Rating M. Genre was angst, slash, romance! Summary: How can I tell you I love you when you've belonged to someone else for so long?" Lamé had completely memorized every little part of her story.

"I just wanted to ask." Artemis began, and the blonde girl leaned in eagerly to hear what the genius was to say of her dearly loved piece of work. "Yes, yes?" She pressed on. He let out a sigh. "My, my. What in the world were you thinking?" He finally responded. Lamé blinked.

"W—what?" She asked nervously.

"You heard me. How did this idea ever wind up in your head? I'll never know, but you should know that this is a complete pile of . . . of baloney!" He paused to glare at the trembling girl. "Butler, may I remind you, is fifty five. I am only a mere age of fifteen. Do you not know that a relationship with a minor is against the law? I must at least be eighteen to even be able to do those things you wrote. Not only that, but my orientation is definately not going in that direction."

"But—" Lamé was about to begin.

"I must also mention you wrote about Juliet here in such a disgusting manner! For her, her character was completely wrong, and you should know she'd be the last person to ever resort to that kind of thing." He paused to clear the images out of his head. "Parading around with men? What is wrong with you? And the way you had the both of us acting." He shivered.

"It's just a—" The blonde began, only to be cut off again.

"The only thing you can do, however, is sit around the computer viewing other perverted material, that may I remind you, a girl of twelve should not be reading—"

"I'm turning thirteen this month!" Lamé argued, her plump face abnormally red and her pudgy fists at her large waist.

"—not only that, but can you excercise? Your bodily figure is rather beastly. What I suggest is that you get up from that chair other than going to the lavatory or to the kitchen for food. I also suggest you stop stuffing yourself with so much unhealthy junk. You'll be off the scale of human weight by the end of this month." Lamé's mouth hung open at this, but he continued. "I mean, I feel badly for the man that will end up being your husband. Imagine, waking up in the morning and the first thing you see is that worthless lump of fat sleeping next to you . . ."

Lamé burst into tears and dropped on the floor, wailing loudly. Artemis just stared at her, "Now then, are we clear that you will not write such a thing about us again?"

"F—fuck you!" Lamé screamed.

"Good."

"Finally! Now, bye-bye, fatty!" Juliet answered after waiting for such a long time during Lamé's confrontation with Artemis. The blonde looked up angrily, and stood up. "WHAT! YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL I EVEN WASTED MY TIME WRITING ABOUT YOU TWO! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT!" Lamé screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Gracious no. We don't," Juliet smirked and popped her gum. "You spelled my name wrong. It's not Julet." Lamé screamed and jumped towards Juliet, knocking her down. "HELP!" shrieked Juliet. "She's so heavy! Fucking beluga whale!" The others watched wordlessly before Butler pried the crazy chubby blonde off.


End file.
